My Slumbering Heart

Warning: Incredibly cheesy and makes NO SENSE. I suggest you don't read it at all.

I'm sorry that I have not updated in so long. I know that no one reads this, but I still feel the need to say sorry so that anyone who happens to come upon this entry six years from now so that they know how poliet and kind I am.

I'm kidding about the last part.

But I really do feel sorry for not updating, because I clearly told myself (and whoever reads this lame excuse of a blog) that I would do so regularly. So here it is. Another entry. Just a warning to those readers expecting something fashion related: this isn't. So, are you ready? OK. Here it goes.

I don't know whether everyone feels this way, or if I feel so simply because I'm a hopeless romantic, but I believe there is always that one person whom you'll alway love, always remember. And I don't nessisarily mean love in the sense "I love them so much I want to be with them for the rest of my life". More like "I will always look at them fondly and wish them the best". This person could be your friend, or you ex, or someone you've quietly noticed but never spoken to. Call me crazy, but I believe in this. Partly because I have said person.

Obviously, I will not include his name. I have a great fear of him somehow stumbling upon this, and I do not need him thinking I am a creeper. Well, maybe I am, but not in the crazy, stalker, watch-you-while-you-sleep way. I swear.

But I should make up a name for him to make writing this easier. Matt Powers. There.

Matt is younger than I am; 16 years to my 18. I was in my last year of high school when I met Matt. I had transfered out of one of my classes into a Teacher's Aide position, and he sat in he fourth seat one row in front of my desk at the front of the class. The class was sophomore English. It was one of those times when you wished you had met more people in high school. It was the classic high school regret: in all the years you spent trudging through the halls, you wish you had opened yourself up to more people because you finally realized there were so many you hadn't met. You wish you made more friends. Yes, Matt and I had only been in the same school for a year, and yes, I didn't really think much of the freshman (No one does. Lets be honest.), but that was still a year. A year I could have spent getting to know him more. But no.

Maybe it was better this way, maybe it is truely tragic that we didn't meet before my last few months. Either way, I don't know what made me so attached to him.

I've made lists and paragraphs before, trying to explain what it was, or rather, is, that I love about him, and, as much as I don't want to admit (albeit I've told myself this may times) I think it's because of the person I imagine him to be. This naive, kind, beautiful, boy who's just trying to make something of life. This person I hold in my heart is everything I am not. He is very musically talented, driven, well liked, smart, funny and charming. His smile lights up the room, and his laugh makes you fall in love with him. He's caring and considerate, and will never berate you, or make fun of you for who you are, or who you were, or who you want to be. He's this kind, beautiful boy trying to make something out of this life of his. It was as if he never experienced pain or suffering before because he was always happy, or trying to make others happy. It was something about those almond, chestnut brown eyes, and the way they squnited when they smiled.

Anyway, I fell for him. God knows if it was real love, or admiration, or something related to that, but I knew that he had affected me somehow. And he had. I was happier when I was around him, when he spoke to me, when I saw him. I felt like he was truely a beautiful person. He inspired me, and was hooked on him. I'm sure people have felt this way before about someone. You can't lie.

But as soon as I realized his exisitance, I realized my time was ending. He was young, naive, and beautiful, and I was growing older, more tired and worn with my life about to "start" as graduation came around the corner.

And it killed me. Because I wanted nothing more than to watch him grow, and get to know him more.

Yes, I sound crazy and ridiculous. But that was how it was.

And so I tried to hold on to him in some way. Went out of my way to go certain places, stop by the school once and awhile, even if I was no longer needed, or apart of it. Most of the time it worked, sometimes it didn't. Either way, I was trying to get myself used to one simple fact.

He was moving on without me as I stayed stuck in the same place.

And sooner or later, I got used to it. Stopped asking about him, stopped trying to bump into him. It sounds pathetic, it really does. And I suppose it was. The point is, it's now over, this longing to see him and be with him.

However, this does not mean I don't miss him from time to time. Or think about where he is, or how he might be.

No.

If anything, I have just let go of the idea of us becoming something. I have not really let go of him.

I still think about him from time to time, and wonder if he's ok. If he's happy with his new girl friend and if his band is still together. I still wish him the best of luck in everything he does, and that life treats him well.

But the one thing I will always wish for him, is that he never changes. That he will always be happy, and kind, and beautiful and... well, himself. Perhaps this is selfish, but that is what I truely wish for him.

I know this seems incredibly dull and creepy, and you can picture the sitaution however you'd like, but just know I'm not some pshyco-stalker. I swear I'm not. Haha. Think of it like this: It's like looking back on one of your ex's, and thinking of the good in them and the time you shared, and how you wish them no harm. I suppose my situation with Matt was something like that, except for the fact we never dated.

Until next time.

XOXO, Dani